Career Swap
by Cat Kills Millions
Summary: Mary Margaret suggests that everyone 'swaps' careers for a day. Obviously not her best idea...
1. Regina

**Career Day**

**Chapter One- Regina**

McDonalds

She was going to kill him... She would rip out his heart and watch his vapid, insipid mother scream. There are like, three choices in the happy meals. How hard can it be to choose one?

"What's in the chicken nuggets?" The child drawled while drooling and picking his nose.

"Chicken." She dead panned.

"And the burger?"

"Meat."

"I don't like your tone young lady" The bleach blond bimbo screeched. Definitely Charming's type Regina thought almost offhandedly.

"She isn't young though Ma, she's like thirty, nearly a dinosaur!"

Once again she thought murder is not the way to get paid...

Why had she agreed to this? Ah yes her son, Henry. He so wanted every one to get along... She had to try. For him.

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2 hours later

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Never again after the fiasco with the happy meal and 13 anonymous complaints later ranging from emotional trauma to physical violence it was very clear that Regina would never be cut out for the services sector Mary Margaret realised... Maybe Career Swap Day hadn't been the schoolteachers best idea.. At least it wasn't as bad as Charming...

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I own nothing, please review

-M


	2. David

**Career Swap**

**Chapter Two- David**

Oh God. Those tiny eyes looking up at me. So full of good intentions, so full of hope and warmth. One more lollipop couldn't hurt… right? After all, how much damage could a bunch of five year olds do? I looked through the list of rules, number three being one lolly a day highlighted in red.

I was wrong. I thought they were sweet and good. I know they said not to feed them lollipops after twelve. Oh God. Why couldn't I stick to the schedule like I was meant to? At first they were Mogwai, but everything changed when the Gremlins emerged. Also why do I take Henrys suggestions for TV shows?

I ran, screaming like a bat out of hell, I pushed past Mary Margaret holding a picnic basket. I heard the basket hit the ground and running feet joined mine.

"You feed them after twelve, didn't you? There were two goddam rules! Never again will I let you babysit!"

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Authors note. Yay!

Those who got the references get an imaginary cookie! ~M

Ps What do you think of Charming vs David? Which do you prefer? I want to know, I personally prefer Charming. I genuinely want to know your opinions, Pinkie swear.


	3. Rumpelstiltskin

**Career Day**

**Chapter Three- Rumpelstilskin**

"No for the third time no. We have not seen your cat. In fact I hope it's been-"

He caught sight of Belle making stop motions

"-having a lovely day. We will get back to you about your cat- what did you say its name was? - Puss in Boots, really? Yes I took it down, have a nice day".

Why Her Majesty had thought to make him a receptionist of all things he would never know. At least Belle was working in the coffee shop across the road or the day would have been unbearable. He had already gone on a coffee break three times in the four hours he had been working. More than once she had seen him working up a sarcastic quip and given him that disapproving glance. If he happened to ignore any complaints regarding food poisoning from the coffee shop, well nobody really needed to know that but him, did they now?

Just then he got another electronic mail on that infernal personal computer. The noise once again grating on his nerves. He glanced slyly across the road, good Belle was looking away. He picked up his cane reached backwards towards the wall and yanked the computer's plug from the socket.

Well no one needed to know about that either, now did they?

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A/N Forgot to do an authors note nearly! I know right? Any who, just wanted to thank a guest who reviewed for their opinion on Charming/David! Ps I just love Rumple and Belle! ~M


	4. Belle

**Career Day**

**Chapter 4 Belle**

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"There's something there that wasn't there before" She sang as she pulled yet another pie from the oven, ignoring the copious amounts of burn marks on and around the pie. She for one was happy with her placement for career day. In the enchanted forest she very rarely went near the kitchens due to her position, here she usually didn't have anyone to feed except maybe Rumple occasionally. Even then he usually ate in town before returning home.

So this job was the perfect chance to hone her skills in the kitchen and she had plenty of willing test subjects. She bustled out of the kitchen and began serving up the pie, ignoring the pallor and dubious looks the appearance of yet another pie had caused. She glanced across the road at Rumple and gave him a glance as she saw him gearing up to lash out at the person on the other side of the phone. He threw back a smile. She rolled her eyes and went to get more homemade lemonade.

Several of the cafes patrons bolted. Belle was just too nice, no one was willing to tell her that she could burn water, never mind actual food. How does one burn water, or better yet lemonade?

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A/N Sorry, I had to. Any who, I am actually making Ems a schoolteacher! I'm sure the saviour can handle a bunch of ten year olds, after all Henry'll be there to help! Mwahahaha… ~M


	5. Emma

**Career Swap**

**Chapter 5- Emma**

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They were everywhere. Of course children ARE usually expected to be all over a school. She was the saviour so why did she need to take part in this career day thing? Oh yes, because the organizer of said event was her mother. She was in the closet again (literally not metaphorically). She heard them come closer and pulled her fabulous red leather jacket tighter.

The door opened.

"Mom, why are you in the closet?" Oh thank god it was Henry and not one of the others. They wouldn't leave her alone. At least she knew how to deal with henry.

"Oh yanno… Me and portals in closets go way back." Ok, nervous chit chat accomplished… "I'm gonna go find some more… pencils."

"We already ha-" Too late, she'd already fled from the room. She stopped at the corner of the hall, hyperventilating. Ok time for an exit strategy.

Then she heard it. The screams for help….. She looked around the corner and was suddenly glad that she hadn't been assigned to the kindergarteners… David and Mary Margaret were surrounded by a gang of five year olds holding sharpened lollipop sticks and giggling…

"Why didn't you listen to me! I told you not to feed them after twelve!" Wailed Mary Margaret. Emma let out a terrified and disbelieving shriek. Slowly, oh so slowly, one of the five year olds turned around and fixed his wide and hazy looking eyes on her with a wide and feral looking grin. She belatedly realized that it was August.

"Em…..ma" They began advancing at a slow pace, herding Mary Margaret and David along with them as they went. Emma realized in horror that they were coming for her. She let out another squeak which seemed to galvanise the children into a flurry of action. So she did the only thing she could. She ran, grabbing Henry as she went.

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A/N So zombie kids…. Yep that happened… Sorry I'm not great at writing Emma. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! ~M


	6. Archie

**Career Swap**

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**Chapter 6- Archie Hopper**

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Oh god. The confrontations. How did Gold do this so often? He felt like such a villain! Why, oh why, did career swap day HAVE to fall on rent day? Twice so far had people pretended to not be home when he could clearly see them, and then there was the trying to remember everyone's names and how much they owed. Maleficent had tried to tell him that she had already paid Rumplestiltskin! Although he wasn't too fluent in Drackon, so some things may have been lost in translation. Like his eyebrows…

I mean, the pawn shop had been stressful enough. He didn't understand how Gold could keep all of the records and prices in his mind because the ex-cricket certainly couldn't… He thought she had come in to exchange the baseball bat. He still wasn't quite sure how sweet, little, old Miss Muffet had been able to be that violent… All he knew was that he wasn't sure that he would make it to the end of the day. He didn't know whether the haggling reminded everyone of the Enchanted Forest or what, but all of a sudden they seemed to revert to heathens…

Oh god all of a sudden he realised why the horizon had looked so dark. There, leading a pack of vicious, cricket eating, walker using old ladies were galloping towards him, Miss Muffet leading the pack. He suddenly realised what was different about her… There were multitudes of spiders surrounding her and her dentures gleamed wickedly showing their newly sharpened canines. He wasn't quite sure who she had convinced to do that for her…. All of a sudden he saw Gepetto's house.

"Please, please let me in!" He clawed at the door.

"I'm sorry my friend, but I have a child to think about!"

He was too late; they launched themselves at him with a feral cry. The last thing he heard before everything went black was the beautiful, clear sound of crickets chirping.

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A/N: Ok, I know, verrrrrry cracky… I'm not quite sure how that happened but I'll just blame C, pretty sure it must be her influence…. If you don't know what I'm talking about just go and read one of her stories and you'll know what I mean straight away. So sorry that I haven't posted in so long but I've been away and had no Wi-Fi, and I've been ridiculously busy. This author's note is dragging on so I'll say so long, farewell, auf weidersein, adieu! ~M


	7. Ruby

**Career Swap**

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**Chapter 7 ~ Ruby**

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She let out another howl of agony, whimpers racking her body.

Why of why had she been stuck with THIS job?!

Of all the available careers, she had of course drawn the short straw…

Another growl tore out of her throat, as she bravely ripped the splinter from her once beautifully manicured finger.

"Are you nearly done yet?" remarked the heartless1 expectant mother.

Her future progeny's crib, once magnificently molded by Marco's skilled hands was slowly wilting under the impatient phalanges of Ruby's. Serving she could do, cooking she excelled at, with a wink and a smirk customer service was a breeze, carpentry on the other hand…

Speaking of hands, another delicate looking dagger of wood had found its way into her finger, she noted miserably. It was times like this she regretted being Mary Margaret's friend. Of course, these situations were usually made up for with ice cream and wine, both of which would be required in copious amounts to coax her from the foul mood this experience was doubtless inducing.

"It'll be done in a couple of days" she muttered, leaving out the silent acknowledgment that only after it was fixed by Marco would it be fit for human habitation.

She glanced at the clock, while pulling another bloodied piece of wood from her flesh, only two more hours she thought, and then off to the rabbit hole to meet Ashley and Mary Margaret.

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**A/N** Sooo, it's been quite a while my lovelies! I've been absent from the wonderful world of fanfiction for months, tragically, but will hopefully be returning soon, until then enjoy this chapter!

~M


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